Dear Friends,
Fun with Spinsters would not be “fun” if the alternative
were not so often unfortunate. I mean “dating.” I mean having to gird oneself for the world
of new faces across café tables hoping to connect with someone worth keeping
around. Most singles do it. We are pushed to date because to be single is
to be “lonely and sad.” At least, that’s
what my TV tells me.
JCPenney “One-Day
Sales!” do not advertise to singles. You
don’t see a single woman on those commercials smiling in her new business suit
or embarking on a journey, new suitcase in hand, with a train ticket for one. Singles, apparently, don’t need as much stuff
as couples. We’re not that beautiful, skinny
lady with her well-dressed man and lovely, matching children. We’re not worth the marketing expense until
we decide to play along nicely.
Some feel these societal pressures and date against their
will. Friends, I feel for you, but stop
doing that. Either get out of the game
if it pains you or join my camp--"Dating for Curious Cats" (campsite with full amenities, "take-a-hike" trails, and 24/7 wine bar). Maybe I will meet the right person this
time? Maybe he or she is just one swipe
of the dating app away?
I enjoy being among the curious crowd. I don’t need a partner to be fulfilled, but
one could be fun. Perhaps a romantic
partner could be a credit to my life. I know couples who are
better because they are together. If it
happened for them, it could happen for me.
My dating philosophy is to cherish the good dates and
to make mockery of the bad ones. And I have
had some bad dates. I have met some
shockingly self-absorbed people. I have
had doors slammed on me while the man walked in front. I have waited an hour for a late date. I have stepped into and sat in cars full of
crap. I have suffered the dementia of an
ADD and ADHD suitor who couldn’t focus on me, or anything, for more than ten
seconds. I have been propositioned on
the first date and then looked at in disgust after a polite “no.” I have been told I’m wrong for being a
Christian because I can’t prove any of it (that was on date one; there was no
date two.) Although terribly uncomfortable at the time, these dates have ignited my creative spirit. As you will see, they make great writing material.
Here’s a case in point: This past spring, I met a handsome, educated,
well-spoken man on a dating app.
We seemed to have a lot in common.
He wanted to meet me right away and was willing to drive an hour just to have coffee. With that immediate interest,
I thought I was in for a good date. That is, until he cancelled, out of nowhere, the night before saying he didn’t see a
chance for us. (We hadn’t met yet.) Then
I get a text the next morning with a huge apology and explaining that he just
hasn’t been on a date in a long time and got cold feet but would love to meet
me for real. He was so apologetic. And I, you may not be surprised to hear, am so dumb. I agreed.
Reader, I said “yes” despite the clanging warning bells that this guy
may not be ready for a date. Boy, was he
not.
At the café, I selected a
table facing the door so I would see him come in, ordered a cup of my favorite
tea, and read my book while waiting (The
Dubliners by James Joyce in preparation for my Ireland trip). It was a great time—me, my book, hot tea—until
my date showed up. He was on time, but
he was not on the clock for another relationship. The man spent thirty minutes explaining what
went wrong with his last girlfriend (TMI), how she wanted to do unspeakable,
sexual things with him (TMI!), and that he was so, so over her (NOT).
When my unfortunate date finally noticed I was there, he
asked, “So, I see from your profile that you like art.” Yes! I
do! At last, here’s something on which we
can connect! Then, he continued, “I don’t
really like art. I don’t understand it
and don’t think I ever will.” Oh. Then why bring it up???? Amazingly, right after that comment, I had an
“emergency text” from my sister. I had
to go to the grocery store immediately to get a missing ingredient for a dish she
was concocting just then. Failure to
collect the necessary ingredient would spell culinary disaster. I could not ignore my sister’s call. I politely excused myself and made no
promises for a second date. Even though
any one could see this was a fake emergency, my delusional suitor thought
the date had gone well enough to move in for a kiss. Uh uh. I dodged that like a footballer. Only then did he realize I wasn’t
interested. We politely wished each other well in their romantic search, and my life returned to normal.
After that experience, among many similar disasters, I
should surrender to singledom entirely.
But, I haven’t. I still
date. I still swipe right looking for
someone interesting. I do that because
even though Mr. Delusional-Not-Over-His-Ex was a bad date, I learned things
from him. He talked briefly about his
home country and the traditions there, which was fascinating. I would have liked to learn more under
different circumstances. Because,
really, I love meeting people and hearing their stories. My curiosity about other humans is
insatiable, so even if a potential suitor reveals himself to be more frog than
prince, I’m usually glad I met him. You needn’t
kiss all of them to know if they’re princes, but it doesn’t mean they don’t
have something to share. Trust your instincts, and allow yourself a good
chuckle when it’s over. As long as you
have an exit strategy (my sister has many culinary emergencies), it may be worth
the adventure.
I know this philosophy bemuses people. I get a fair amount of crap for being
single. Until a date with a man is
better than a date with myself or my friends, I will have a good laugh and get back
to what I want to do. Don’t let bad
company ruin your dates or your life.
And, when people ask you, after all those dates and all that education
and all those travels and all those dreams, “Why are you still single?”, I hope
you’ll respond with a confident grin, “Just lucky, I guess.”
Best wishes,
The Super Spinster
