A Singular Sweetest Day

Celebrate Sweetest Day: Throw a Party for Your Sweets

Dear friends,

Time to make Sweetest Day 2018 your best "adventure for one" yet!  In September, I wrote about the independent joys we find on our own and that we can be happy regardless of relationship status (see Adventures for One: Finding Independent Joy), but that doesn't mean single people operate solo all the time.  We need people, too!  And I bet you have non-romantic relationships that mean the world to you.  In fact, single people often have even larger social networks than their coupled compatriots who may limit their interactions to time with each other.  "Adventurers for One" are great at being alone but also dedicate a lot of time to their friends, families, and communities.  We benefit from this variety of social interactions and, as a result, have a lot of love to share.

Puppies love each other.

For this sweetest day, think of how many lives you touch every week and what you can do to show them your appreciation.  Think of the lady at the coffee shop who always gets your drink right.  Your co-workers who don't steal your food from the communal fridge.  The librarian who knows your name because you're always picking up new books.  Your parents whom you (should) call a couple of times each week.  

Our lives are full of people who take care of us in small ways and bring our emotional balance sheets out of the red and into the black (see The Balance Sheet of Life), so what can you do to make their days sweeter?  A tip for the lady at the coffee shop.  Cookies for your co-workers.  Some chocolates for the librarian because she holds your book requests longer than the normal three business days when you can't get your act together and get over there in time (just me?).  An extra phone call to your parents.

Giving Flowers to Others as a Sign of Appreciation

Being kind to others is a sure way to an endorphin high.  By thanking those who make your life easier, you reap the immediate happiness benefits while nurturing relationships that help you all year.  And as for those jerks who bombard your life, be sweet to them, too.  If their bad attitudes are from neglect, your kindness may remedy that and win you a friend.  But if your kindness doesn't even crack the ice, screw them and move on. ...Sigh.... Or maybe I should tell you to forgive them and try again later.  I'm only human, okay?

Here's how I self care.  Cheers!

Lastly, take care of yourself this Sweetest Day.  Buy yourself flowers and chocolates, take yourself to that movie, or just write down what you like about yourself.  I suggest not doing this as a balm to pain because you'll only end up crying over that chocolate cake.  Do these things because you love yourself.  I promise you are worth the extra care.



Happy Sweetest Day, my friends!  I appreciate and adore all of you!.

Cheers,
The Super Spinster

Galactic Librarians, Dragon Safaris, & Civil War Zombie Apocalypse---Great Spinster Summer Reads

Dear friends,

Does your beach read list need a supplement of super spinster?  Are you tired of books where a woman's only purpose is romance, taking care of other people, or recovering from lost love?  Our goals as females are not just to love and nurture.  The way our books would have it, we "eat", "pray", and "love" across the world only when love has betrayed us, not just because we want to, or we seek new "adventure" because the last "adventure" (loser ex-partner) dumped us.  What happened to stories of women who take care of business and don't need to be in love to be complete?  When I pick up an adventure novel or a mystery, I expect the woman to handle the problem.  Nancy Drew and Miss Marple always did.  But, more and more, I find my toes curling in anger around the beach sand when, at the climax of a novel, the woman turns fearfully to the man and says, "Oh, no!  Now what do we do?" 

How many people do you know who, in crisis, look for the nearest man to fix it?  Not many, I'll bet.  You look for the lady with the purse full of the tools that could solve the problem--phone, food, bandaids, pepper spray, etc.  What do we teach children to do when something goes wrong?  Go find another mom.  In my experience, women look at the problem and just handle it, and you'd better get out of the way while they're at it.  (Reese Witherspoon's video on this concept summarizes this societal, mostly Hollywood issue.  Check it out here: "What do we do now?" Reese Witherspoon's Fiery Speech)

In the spirit of powerful literary spinsterhood, I asked my friend, the Ace Bookworm, to review three adventure stories with heroines who enjoy a bit of romance but do not allow it to distract from their greater goals--protecting an intergalactic library, researching dragons, and killing zombies in post-Civil War America.  Now that's more like it.

The Invisible Library by Genevieve Cogman

In The Invisible Library, we meet librarian Irene just as she's finishing up a job for The Library, an organization that exists outside of worlds and collects literary works (mostly fiction) from any and every world in the multiverse. 

After completing a dangerous mission and ready for some well-earned time off, Irene reports the success of her mission to her superior, but unfortunately, her boss has another job for her right away. This one is very important though Irene isn't told why. She is also assigned an apprentice, Kai, who isn't all he seems.

Their search for the book throws them into the center of the politics of the world they're visiting, including secret societies, vampire murder, and fae/human conflict. And when Irene receives a message that the mysterious rogue librarian Alberich may be after the same book she is, she wonders just what she's gotten herself into.

Irene is dedicated wholeheartedly to her job and is not one to slack off. Spinsters may find themselves commiserating with her annoyance at being propositioned by several men during the first two books in the series right in middle of very important missions. Irene is very matter of fact about her stance that while she isn't opposed to a dalliance with an attractive man (and in fact finds herself attracted and considering it), her work comes first, especially when lives may be at stake.

The Memoirs of Lady Trent by Marie Brennan

The Memoirs of Lady Trent is a five-book fictional autobiography series following the life and research of Lady Isabella Trent though (spoiler alert) she doesn't take the title of Lady Trent until near the end of the series.

Isabella, born in Scirland (a fictional approximation of Victorian England), tells the story of her life through five volumes, each dedicated to a particular research mission turned adventure. From her childhood catching small, insect-like dragons in jars to her grand adventures to the mountains, desserts, and seas of the world, Isabella brings readers along for her greatest scientific discoveries.

While Isabella marries not once but twice, through the series, she is a “spinster” (independent-minded woman) through and through. She is not the type to play second fiddle to anyone, especially not a partner. Romance is welcome but not necessary in her life. Her true driving passion is the study of dragons. Even her first marriage, which is partially facilitated by her father (who understands Isabella's character best of all her family), is a marriage of peers as much as is possible in the Victorian time she lives in.

In her research career, Isabella is met with several challenges due to her gender, which she faces down fearlessly. One constant is the challenge of traveling and joining expeditions as a woman. Isabella musters support from several men in her life who use their privilege to enable her to continue her work. This, combined with her stubbornness and dedication to her field of study, enables her to go places that she may not otherwise have had access to.

In the second book, we meet Natalie Orscott who is a spinster in her own right. Natalie follows in Isabella's footsteps into the realm of the sciences. Natalie shows up occasionally through the other books, always unmarried, and at one point expresses her disinterest in companionship altogether (members of the LGBTQ community will enjoy this little bit of Aro/Ace representation).

As a whole, The Memoirs of Lady Trent is a great series that any spinster with a secret (or not so secret) love of dragons would enjoy.

Dread Nation by Justina Ireland

Dread Nation takes two great YA trends and combines them into something both fun and thought provoking. Not only is it a historic retelling of post-Civil War America from the perspective of a young woman of color, but it also includes zombies.

The concept is simple. The Civil War was derailed when the dead started to rise from the battlefields. In post-war and post-rising America, only a few cities on the East coast are safe. Guards and patrols are everywhere. These patrols are manned largely by Native and African Americans who are trained at special schools in the art of killing the dead.

Jane McKeene is a student at one of those schools, and she hates it. She just wants to finish school and return home to Kentucky where her mother, a wealthy white woman, is hopefully waiting. But when a friend asks for help investigating families who have gone missing in Baltimore County, Jane gets caught up in a conspiracy that not only derails her education but also puts her life in danger.

Jane is a spinster part by choice and part by necessity. She has very little interest in pursuing romance with anyone in or around Boston. She just wants to get back home. But at the same time, she doesn't have time for romance. Who would when the dead are walking and your city is one of the few on the continent that is still safe?

Matilda from Roald Dahl's book by her name.

For more book reviews by The Ace Bookworm, click here: The Ace Bookworm.  

Cheers,

The Super Spinster 

Wedding Season Survival Guide

Dear friends,

It is upon us.  Wedding season.  The photos have begun in earnest.  There are the engagement photos, the dress shopping for bride, bridesmaid, and mothers, the bridal shower or showers, the bachelorette party, the bachelor party, then the wedding followed by the honeymoon photos and the one-month anniversary photos….does it ever end?  With the recent wedding of Prince Harry and Meghan Markle, we are inundated with images of fairy tale nuptials and wedded bliss.  A wedding isn't just a day; it's a season of hype leading to a moment when two people vow to love each other forever and, with luck and hard work, sometimes manage to.  As soon as one season passes, another begins, and the best we can do is adjust to this cultural obsession.

When I say adjust, I don’t mean go find a fiancé and marry him just because everyone else is.  We both know that is happening at an alarming rate.  By adjust, I mean embrace the fun, romance, and comical irony of these seasons.  Some of these marrying couples love each other, and it should be great fun to celebrate with them.

Survive wedding season with the following 8 tips:

 

   (1) Overcome the “+1”

Most wedding invitations include a “+1”, usually for a romantic partner.  I say forget that rule.  New rules: “+1” means bring that cool person with whom you would have a fabulous time.  OR You don’t need a +1 to have fun.  At the past two wedding I have attended, I have not brought an extra person and have had a heck of a time.  When I have brought a guest, it is my sister/best friend.  We rock the party and love confusing people with our similar faces in differing hair colors (my sister is blonde; I am brunette).  The comments we get are great, too.  “How cute! You brought your sister.  No boyfriend for either of you?”  My polite response: “No.  The best guy around just got married.  Don't they look happy?”  Or, my favorite, “You’re a catch!  Why aren’t you married yet?”  My response: “Just lucky I guess.”

 

    (2)  Wear What Suits

Appropriate dress for a wedding shows respect for the couple, but obsessing over your outfit is absurd.  We don’t care if you wore that suit and tie in the last wedding photos.  We don’t care if that dress is the one you wore to your cousin’s nuptials last spring.  We don’t care.  Wear what is respectful and makes you happy.  I have worn the same dress to multiple weddings because it is comfortable, I can dance it, and it makes me look great.  I have no problem looking fabulous and happy again and again in wedding photos.  However, if you must wear something different, don’t buy a new dress; consider www.renttherunway.com and rent a new ensemble for less.

    (3)  Just Say “No”

Just because the bride or groom asks you to be in the wedding party or to attend their destination wedding in New Zealand doesn’t mean you are a bad person for saying “no”.  Being in a wedding party or traveling across the world is expensive and time-consuming.  If you cannot afford the expense or time, be honest.  Just promise to help where you can, be a great guest at the wedding, or celebrate with them when they return from Bora Bora.

    (4)  Filter Out the Photos

Wedding season photos can become obnoxious.  They are all posed, and everyone looks absurdly happy.  If the rhinestones blind you, turn off the photos on your social media.  Yes, you care about these people and want them to be happy, but if it is driving you crazy, stop.  I am a happy single woman, but even I feel sad seeing all of the photos of the happily hitched.  I start torturing myself with, “Why do they have all the luck?  When will it be my turn?  Is there something wrong with me?  Is it because I am an attorney?  Too outspoken?  Am I too tall?  Am I single because I write a crazy blog about spinsters?? What is wrong with me??!!”  Nothing.  These feelings are part of the wedding fever disease.  Medicate immediately by turning off the photos, find your single friends, and go have fun at once.  It will pass as long as you take care of yourself and remember that just because everyone’s photos are perfect doesn’t mean their lives are perfect.  We all have difficulties and getting married isn’t easy.  We use photo filters not just too hide visible imperfections; we use photos to hide our troubles, too.

   

    (5)  Make Party Friends

You may attend a wedding that is full of friends and family.  Great!  It’s an opportunity to reconnect with those you love already.  In April, I attended my cousin’s wedding and loved visiting with my family and meeting their friends.  We were all dressed up, eating well, and celebrating two people, my cousin and his new wife, who love each other.  What could be better?

If you attend a wedding where you know few people, make friends this way.  It is easier to meet people in a line, so visit the drinks or food tables.  A good opener is commenting (kindly) on someone’s outfit or your environment, introducing yourself, and conversing from there.  This works for men or women.  Gentlemen, it is nice to compliment a lady on her dress as long as it is respectful.  Comments on accessories, shoes, or outfit color are safe.  Easy conversation topics are the wedding ceremony you just saw, where you met the married couple, and the location of the party.  With luck, you may meet some awesome people and even hit the dance floor!

  

    (6)  Hitting the Dance Floor

I like to dance, and I don’t wait for someone to invite me out there.  I don’t need to be drunk to dance (no matter what people think), and I don’t care how I look.  I have a great time, and the married couple usually are happy someone is enjoying the DJ or band they paid for.  At my cousin’s wedding in November, I had a hoot with the bride and the bridesmaids, my cousins, and the other brave souls who danced the night away.  What a workout!  I burned off all the cake calories in no time!  For slow dances, I gave my feet a much-needed break and enjoyed watching the happy couples have their moments.

    (7)  Catching the Bouquet

Ladies, the bride may want to throw the bouquet as a blessing to her single friends, and if you want that flowery concoction, prepare like this:  Shoes off.  Dead center behind the bride.  Give it a few feet so she can throw it. Elbows out.  Focus, and reach!  My cousin’s wedding in November had some eager single ladies lining up for the bouquet.  I care little about these things (I thought), but I participate to please the bride.  My sister was in the fray, too, and a photo of us at the prime moment reveals a lot.  Someone caught a photo as the bouquet flew through the air, and there I am, face alight, looking up at the bouquet (that I didn’t catch) with a huge smile.  Behind us is my sister, wine glass still in hand, grimacing and ducking the fatal flowers.  That about sums us up.  I am the hopeless romantic pretending not to be.  She will protect her drink and face from projectiles no matter the occasion.

    (8)  Waving the Wedded Couple Goodbye

Wish them well as they go.  Whether you enjoyed the wedding or not, here are two people who just vowed to love each other forever.  Be happy for them.  Be happy for the other engaged and married couples in your life.  Support those who split.  Be happy for yourself and the blessings you already have.  Wine helps.

*BONUS TIP* 

(9) Throw your Own Party!

Longing for a party of your own but not tying the knot?  Who cares?!  Throw a party to celebrate something you love.  I had a party at my house celebrating the wedding of Prince Harry and Meghan Markle.  I bought British-themed party favors, baked scones and a cake, made tea, and invited my friends and family over to watch the wedding reruns, drink, and make merry.  I dressed up, put my pearls on, and received the flowers, wine, and food my generous guests brought.  With my love for England, the royal family, and romance, it was the perfect wedding season party for me, and I had a great time.  Your themed party can be anything from a costume party to a Game-of-Thrones-watch party to a barbecue.  Celebrate the way you like, and share the love with those you care about.

Last words:  Weddings can be stressful, but they are an opportunity to connect, celebrate, and love each other, including ourselves.  Parties allow us to meet new people and catch up with those we missed.  We eat well, drink merrily, and dance.  I love my family and friends and enjoy the time with them.  I love connecting with and learning about others.  Although I worry about some couples who perhaps have chosen poorly, I respect the risk they are taking and wish them well.  And when wedding season gets me down, I take a break from the photos and practice self- care, like riding my bike down hills really fast, digging into the garden, or planning a trip across the ocean.  I take that negative energy and channel it into caring for myself, helping others, and loving the ones I’m with.  It works well for me, and I have enjoyed every wedding attended thus far.  Bring on the invitations! 

 

May this wedding season be full of blessings for the engaged, the married, and all the guests ready to celebrate happy couples betting on love and each other.  I am rooting for you!

Cheers!

The Super Spinster