Romance on a Budget—Thrifty Dating Ideas

Dear friends,

Financial savvy is the new sexy. Rather than be saddled with an immature partner in need of adulting classes, I seek a partner who knows how to manage his money and his life. When my date pulls out a gift card at a nice place, I'll admit it: I go weak at the knees.  I don't consider it “cheap” to know a good deal; it’s thrifty, and my Scotch blood loves it.

If you seek romance but worry you cannot afford it, fear not! You needn’t fall into debt to fall in love.   Try the following ideas for great dates that help you learn about the other person but leave money to spare:

Picnic—find a local park, bring food and drink, and ask your date to bring something, too.  You’ll learn a lot about your date by what he or she brings. On one of my park escapades, my date brought a table cloth, cutlery, lawn chairs, two kinds of wine (in case I didn’t like one of them), and takeout from one of my favorite places.  The man knew what he was doing, and we had a great time picnicking while looking out over the water.

Volunteer Event—plant a tree, pack a box of food, volunteer for a cause you support.  You’ll discover whether your date is generous and can work as a team, and even if the date is a bust, you did something nice for someone else. Visit Volunteer Match for ideas.  For Metro Detroiters, try Gleaner's Food Bank for a fun half a day out.     

Museum or Art Gallery—You don’t have to know anything about history or art for this outing.  Usually these places are free, and wandering around admiring the exhibits is a useful way to psychoanalyze your date.  I take many of my dates to the Detroit Institute of Arts and surreptitiously unravel their ids, egos, and super egos based on their responses to the art. Impressionism fan? Classic romantic.  Modernism aficionado? Willing to think outside the box. Fascinated by the sculptures of male nudes? Probably gay. Looks bored or tries to touch the art? End of tour. 

Free Concerts or Movies—So what if the free movie in the park is Trolls?  Pop some popcorn and bring a picnic blanket.  Keep it PG around the kids, but if you plan to get adventurous, take it to the back row. 

Hiking—Hiking is an effective, cost-effective form of interrogation, and you should use it if you want to discover whatever your date is hiding.  

In my experience, most men prefer to handle serious topics when facing the same way as their conversation partner.  For example, men prefer to speak seriously when sitting at a counter or next to someone in a car. They can spill their souls without ever making eye contact and can pretend the conversation is merely casual. Most women, however, want to look at the person speaking. They sit across the table in order to watch body language and facial expressions. Think about the ladies from Sex and the City sitting in a restaurant sharing their sexual escapades over a meal, unable to hide anything from their perceptive girlfriends. 
 
We reveal a lot in the twitch of a nervous foot or the side glance of a lie, and we mimic the body language of people we like or agree with. (Here's a link to a site about the science of reading body language: The Science of People) Although we should watch the body language of our partners closely, this can stress people out (like they know what we're doing...), so go on that hike, give your date a few miles to feel the endorphin hit, then let the questioning begin. 

Choose your Meals Wisely—If you must observe the ritual of eating out, cut your costs by meeting for lunch over dinner and coffee over drinks.  

Lunch entrees are delicious and discounted from their dinner equivalents. If you are not a drinker, lunch does not invite heavy boozing, and it offers an easy out because who doesn’t have something to do that afternoon?  It is harder to make this excuse in the evening when the only places to go are out with someone else or home to bed (no shame in that!). 

As for beverage dates, coffee over beer. I have dated men who slug a few beers and start telling me their sexual frustrations with past loves or how many kids we are going to have.  Although these confessions told me a lot, I couldn’t drink enough alcohol to make them okay. Abort! Abort! Abort! I ran to my car and took off thankful for my caffeinated sobriety.

This man clearly prefers his date over the sculpture.  

No matter how many dates you go on, choose an activity you enjoy, and don’t break the bank.  Save your money for yourself or for someone worth the expense. By suggesting these thrifty and fun outings, you show your date that you are not just in it for the money; you are in it for the person.  Besides, if your date tries to stick you with the bill on one of these dates, who cares? It didn’t cost much to learn he or she is a loser! So far, no man has dared stick me with the bill, but maybe that’s because I tell my dates up front that I am a debt collection attorney.  Have I mentioned I love my job? Check, please!

Do you have recommendations for inexpensive dates?  I would love to hear them. Please share below.

Cheers,

The Super Spinster

I Gave Up Anxiety for Lent

Dear friends, 

Phones ring, files breed across my desk, and my collie dog frightens a new colleague away from the door on her first day at the office.  (Don’t worry.  She came back.)  These small dramas are nothing compared to the bigger dramas in my life, but I smile serenely because I gave up anxiety for Lent.

I live with Anxiety.  Capital “A” anxiety.  I worry about everything.  What if a plane crashed onto the street outside my house?  What if the chemicals in this creamy peanut butter give me cancer?  What if I never find my soulmate?  Could I get a sperm donor?  What if my sperm donor is a psychopath?  If I don't recycle this plastic bag, will an animal eat it and die?  Would I look better blonde?  Is North Korea poised to push the button and nuke us?  Have I lived enough to die today?

No, I had not lived enough because every moment spent worrying was a moment not lived.  I missed the taste of the peanut butter, flaked on dating, and disregarded the healthy relationships around me.  I was missing things and focusing on exhausting improbabilities.

I have had Anxiety my whole life.  As a girl, I would get so excited and worried about family vacations that I would vomit the night before and prompt my parents to cancel because they thought I was sick.  High school was a blur of attempted perfection—captain of three teams, valedictorian, band geek, too tired to address the problem of feeling like I didn’t belong.  In college, when my grandmother was dying from cancer and Parkinson's, I would run and run and run around campus and feel too full of anxious acid to eat the calories I needed.  I got too thin.  At Oxford, I agonized over my intellectual inadequacy and strained myself into strep throat.  Now, I am a young attorney in a family business, everyone is getting married and having children like the world is about to end, and I can’t eat my favorite foods because my acid reflux makes them unappetizing.

But there’s hope.  At the beginning of Lent this year, I’d had enough.  Anxiety had ruled my life for too long.  I may never find my soulmate, and Kim Jong-un may kill us all, but I would not be controlled by fear any more. 

At first, it was easy.  Whenever I started wandering along the worry trails, I yelled “Halt!” and switched to something pleasant.  I forged new mental paths.  Look at all the Hart of Dixie episodes I have left!  Purple spring crocuses are popping through the ivy!  Book club meets next week at the steakhouse!  I swam two miles in the pool in the fast lane!  Every time the anxiety started to choke me, I breathed deeply until my heart was so full of oxygen that it had no choice but to relax.  “Calm the f*** down,” I said.  “God has it handled.”

Lent has passed, and I wish I could say I float serenely through the storm.  God has challenged me anew with some personal drama.  Someone dear to me may be ill and need treatment, and I am unsure of the future.  I study law, not medicine, and I fret about what I don't know. Even the calmest individual could not escape fear in this situation, but I wonder if God wanted me to give up Anxiety this Lent because trouble was on the horizon.  I could have given up many things, but He encouraged me to release the thing that would torture me the most.  Clearly, there's a plan I have yet to understand.

Work won’t let up, and neither will life, yet I am better armed against it.  In overcoming Anxiety, I pray for three things.  I pray for Wisdom to find the right path, Courage to step onto it, and Strength to carry me through.  Tomorrow has its own challenges, but for today my collie dog and the new colleague are friends, my files are handled, and God takes care of the rest.

If you suffer from Anxiety, here are a few suggestions for managing it:

Pet a friendly animal.  It lowers blood pressure.

Exercise.  It releases endorphins (happy chemicals), pounds out anger and fear, and keeps you fit enough to handle the stress.

Talk to a good listener.  If you don’t have someone to talk to, God listens and answers in interesting ways (story on that for another time).

Go outside.  Plants, especially trees, release calming chemicals.  In Japan, people call it “Forest Bathing” and do it regularly. http://www.shinrin-yoku.org/shinrin-yoku.html 

Stop judging yourself.  If you need to eat ice cream and watch a dumb TV show, do it.  Sin a little to release some steam in the pressure cooker.

Never think you are alone.  Consult your doctor if you suffer from serious symptoms.  I have been there, and there is no shame in it.  Visit here for more information: https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/anxiety-disorders/index.shtml. 

Cheers,
Super Spinster

Valentine’s Day Dates—Table for One, Please

 

Dear friends, 

Of the nearly thirty Valentine’s Days of my life, I have spent only two with a romantic partner.  One in college and one in England and neither were, well, all that great.

My first “romantic” V-Day was with my college boyfriend, Ben.  We (he) went kite sailing in a snowy field while I froze.  We (he) played with his homemade wine-making contraption in his basement, then we (he) made dinner, and we watched Humphrey Bogart and Ingrid Bergman romance each other in Casablanca.  Our date could not compete.   

A couple of weeks later, I learned that the University of Oxford had accepted me into their Master of Studies Program in English Literature.  Elated by this news, I called Ben right away.  Ben, not elated that I would be going away, broke up with me.  Thus ended that relationship, and I went to Oxford to live my dreams.

My second Valentine’s Day was in Oxford with my then-boyfriend… Ben.  (I had a problem with Bens for a while).  Ben was English, older, clever, and mysterious.  For Valentine’s Day, I went to an academic lecture alone, then he picked me up on his bike.  He brought flowers, which was nice, but then we returned to his house where we (he) cooked and we did . . . absolutely nothing.  I can hardly remember the day because I sensed he was not happy.  I was right.  A few days later, he broke up with me only after giving me his strep throat virus.  Thus ended that relationship, which I contemplated alone, on my back, in a foreign country.

Thankfully, I recovered and had a lovely relationship with an Australian mathematician named James, a story I will relate another time.  

Since those two Valentine’s Days, I have been mostly single on February 14.  Some years, I go out with friends for Galentine’s Day; others I spend at home.  The sadness and loneliness that should drive me into the chocolate box never does.  Maybe because those other Valentine’s Days were so poor I never regret not having a date for the day.  Rather, I celebrate all of the other people in my life.   

On V day, I dress in red or pink.  I bring candy and goodies to my classmates or colleagues.  I mail valentines to my friends and family.  I cook pasta, drink wine, and watch Pride & Prejudice or The Holiday, and I don’t cry or moan.  When the time is right, I will find my forever date who will treat me far better than those“has BENs” of before. 

Meanwhile, I am, and you are, dear Readers, too important to be messed with, cheated on, or lied to for the sake of a Valentine’s Day date.  Think about the “Bens” in your life, Bens like mine, and think about how you can rid yourself of them.*  You have BEN there and DONE that.  Your love is too valuable to waste.

If you find yourself alone on Valentine’s Day, and if it saddens you, start planning your date for one.  How you treat yourself is a model for how others should treat you.  Dress nicely for Valentine’s Day; a stylish outfit will portray confidence and self-respect, a perception that may wear off on you, too.  Buy yourself candy or flowers.  Make yourself the perfect lasagna.  Drink that bottle of wine.  Watch your favorite movie.  Dress up and go to a show or a game.  Do your favorite hobby or sport.  Spend the day taking care of yourself.  Don’t spiral into narcissism, but remind yourself that you are important and deserve love.

If self-care isn’t enough, try caring for those already in your life.  When I am sad or frightened or angry, helping others shakes me out of my pity party.  For example, my friend and mentor at work recently went into the hospital for pneumonia, and I was left with her work load.  She has over thirty years of experience at her job.  I have only one.  I was terrified for her, terrified for my clients, and terrified for myself.  I was at home on the weekend receiving calls and texts of bad news, and I didn’t know WHAT to do! So I baked.  And baked.  And baked.  I stress baked into an exhausted state of calm and shared the goodies with my work mates.  In doing so, some of the fear lifted, and my workmates were more inclined to help me because they were high on sugar.**  It seems love can be found in pumpkin spice bread and dark chocolate brownies.

Fear or sadness may eke their way into your Valentine’s Day, but you can overcome them.  Let this day not be about having a romantic partner; insist that it be about love, love for yourself and love for others.  Make this day memorable for the kindness and generosity you spread.  Whether you reserve a table for one at your favorite restaurant and enjoy the pleasure of your own company, share the day with your mom or your dog or your friends, or hang with your romantic partner, Valentine’s Day is yours to design.  Make it about the love that’s already in your life, and see what you can do to make it grow.

Love,

The Super Spinster

*I have a cousin named “Ben” who is a lovely man and treats his girlfriend well.  I wouldn’t rid myself of him for anything.

**My friend and mentor has recovered (thank God!), and I have stopped baking and gaining weight.