Romance on a Budget—Thrifty Dating Ideas

Dear friends,

Financial savvy is the new sexy. Rather than be saddled with an immature partner in need of adulting classes, I seek a partner who knows how to manage his money and his life. When my date pulls out a gift card at a nice place, I'll admit it: I go weak at the knees.  I don't consider it “cheap” to know a good deal; it’s thrifty, and my Scotch blood loves it.

If you seek romance but worry you cannot afford it, fear not! You needn’t fall into debt to fall in love.   Try the following ideas for great dates that help you learn about the other person but leave money to spare:

Picnic—find a local park, bring food and drink, and ask your date to bring something, too.  You’ll learn a lot about your date by what he or she brings. On one of my park escapades, my date brought a table cloth, cutlery, lawn chairs, two kinds of wine (in case I didn’t like one of them), and takeout from one of my favorite places.  The man knew what he was doing, and we had a great time picnicking while looking out over the water.

Volunteer Event—plant a tree, pack a box of food, volunteer for a cause you support.  You’ll discover whether your date is generous and can work as a team, and even if the date is a bust, you did something nice for someone else. Visit Volunteer Match for ideas.  For Metro Detroiters, try Gleaner's Food Bank for a fun half a day out.     

Museum or Art Gallery—You don’t have to know anything about history or art for this outing.  Usually these places are free, and wandering around admiring the exhibits is a useful way to psychoanalyze your date.  I take many of my dates to the Detroit Institute of Arts and surreptitiously unravel their ids, egos, and super egos based on their responses to the art. Impressionism fan? Classic romantic.  Modernism aficionado? Willing to think outside the box. Fascinated by the sculptures of male nudes? Probably gay. Looks bored or tries to touch the art? End of tour. 

Free Concerts or Movies—So what if the free movie in the park is Trolls?  Pop some popcorn and bring a picnic blanket.  Keep it PG around the kids, but if you plan to get adventurous, take it to the back row. 

Hiking—Hiking is an effective, cost-effective form of interrogation, and you should use it if you want to discover whatever your date is hiding.  

In my experience, most men prefer to handle serious topics when facing the same way as their conversation partner.  For example, men prefer to speak seriously when sitting at a counter or next to someone in a car. They can spill their souls without ever making eye contact and can pretend the conversation is merely casual. Most women, however, want to look at the person speaking. They sit across the table in order to watch body language and facial expressions. Think about the ladies from Sex and the City sitting in a restaurant sharing their sexual escapades over a meal, unable to hide anything from their perceptive girlfriends. 
 
We reveal a lot in the twitch of a nervous foot or the side glance of a lie, and we mimic the body language of people we like or agree with. (Here's a link to a site about the science of reading body language: The Science of People) Although we should watch the body language of our partners closely, this can stress people out (like they know what we're doing...), so go on that hike, give your date a few miles to feel the endorphin hit, then let the questioning begin. 

Choose your Meals Wisely—If you must observe the ritual of eating out, cut your costs by meeting for lunch over dinner and coffee over drinks.  

Lunch entrees are delicious and discounted from their dinner equivalents. If you are not a drinker, lunch does not invite heavy boozing, and it offers an easy out because who doesn’t have something to do that afternoon?  It is harder to make this excuse in the evening when the only places to go are out with someone else or home to bed (no shame in that!). 

As for beverage dates, coffee over beer. I have dated men who slug a few beers and start telling me their sexual frustrations with past loves or how many kids we are going to have.  Although these confessions told me a lot, I couldn’t drink enough alcohol to make them okay. Abort! Abort! Abort! I ran to my car and took off thankful for my caffeinated sobriety.

This man clearly prefers his date over the sculpture.  

No matter how many dates you go on, choose an activity you enjoy, and don’t break the bank.  Save your money for yourself or for someone worth the expense. By suggesting these thrifty and fun outings, you show your date that you are not just in it for the money; you are in it for the person.  Besides, if your date tries to stick you with the bill on one of these dates, who cares? It didn’t cost much to learn he or she is a loser! So far, no man has dared stick me with the bill, but maybe that’s because I tell my dates up front that I am a debt collection attorney.  Have I mentioned I love my job? Check, please!

Do you have recommendations for inexpensive dates?  I would love to hear them. Please share below.

Cheers,

The Super Spinster

Are you an "ideal woman"?

Dear friends,

Dating websites, blind dates, parties, studies abroad, professional meet ups, sports bars, and 5ks--I've tried them all, but I cannot crack today's ideal womanhood. Getting a guy nowadays is a hunt, and if you don't have the right gear, you're more likely to be shot by your fellow huntresses than hit the prized game. These women work hard to be the perfect bait for the perfect guy, and competing with them is a full-time job. With all of this pressure, I have to wonder, do I fit the requirements of an “ideal” woman?

Back in 1813, Jane Austen mockingly summarized what her society deemed the "accomplished lady", i.e. the well-equipped maiden on the hunt for a husband. In Pride and Prejudice, Austen paints her society's conception of the "accomplished" woman:

A woman must have a thorough knowledge of music, singing, drawing, dancing, all the modern languages, to deserve the word; and besides all this, she must possess a certain something in her air and manner of walking, the tone of her voice, her address and expressions, or the word will be but half deserved.

Jennifer Ehle as Elizabeth Bennett in BBC's Pride and Prejudice (1995)

Elizabeth Bennett, the novel’s heroine, lacks half of these characteristics. Her family could not afford a governess to teach her all the tricks, but she bags the wealthy, brave, and kind Mr. Darcy by being herself and refusing to settle for less than she deserved.
 
A few sips of the teacup later and we are in 2018 with new rules but the same marriage dance. For women, marriage still is the ultimate social triumph.  So, what makes today's “accomplished” woman? I compiled a list based on thirty years of living in white, middle-class North America and thanks to a few forays out of it for greater perspective.

Today's "Ideal Womanhood"

(1) The Ideal Woman is heterosexual with lesbian escapades from college that she swears resulted from too many mixed drinks during sorority rush week.

(2) She is between eighteen and thirty-five years old.

(3) She has a high-school certificate and some kind of degree.  She will need that to get a job to pay for all the things the TV tells her she needs. 

(4) She is HOT but not enough to think she can leave. Gentle yoga and Pilates are acceptable forms of exercise.

(5) She likes traveling, hiking, and sports.  She has traveled to Mexican resorts, London, Paris, or New York because that is what girls do (Gossip Girl, Sex in the City, Gilmore Girls, see Netflix).  She likes “hiking” in her Lululemon and likes whatever sports her man likes.

(6) She works as a teacher, nurse, social worker, or other nurturing profession. 

(7) She likes to “Netflix and chill”.  If you don’t know what this means, it is ten minutes of whatever Netflix show he wants with snacks then sex.  

(8) She cooks, cleans, gardens, shops, and loves it.   

(9) She has pinned her whole wedding on Pinterest, takes selfies like a pro, and has girls' nights with a lot of white wine and minimal food. 

(10) She has between two and five sexual partners in her life.  Too many partners and she is a “slut”. Too few and there is something wrong with her. (This is grossly unfair.)

If you share some of these qualities, and I like some of these things, too (London and Paris! Gossip Girl), cheers to you! If not, you are in good company:

The Super Spinster Takes on Modern "Hotness"

 
(1) I am heterosexual. I have no lesbian escapades. I just have awesome lesbian friends.

Me, Super Spinster

(2) I am thirty and childless. Tick tock!

(3) I went to law school and left without a husband.

(4) I am fit but not pretty when exercising.

(5) When I travel, I ring around Iceland for a week (Courting Iceland: Ring Road or Engagement Ring?), pub crawl across Ireland (Spinsters Take the Emerald Isle!), or plan a foodie-trip to Mexico City.  I hike through mud with pleasure and care little for watching sports.

Witchy Lawyer Lady

(6) I am a collections attorney specializing in creditor's rights, which is as far from "nurturing" as you can get.

(7) I do not pay $10.99 per month for crushed snacks in my couch cushions and weak attempts at romance while Netflix's Stranger Things is on. 

(8) I am a domestic goddess because I like taking care of things. 

(9) I have not planned my wedding, and when I and my friends hang out, we drink red wine and EAT.

Me and Artie

(10) As for romance, he ain't getting anything until I see his medical records, criminal background, credit score, three recommendations from close friends, a confession of true love upon thoughtful reflection, and my entire family's and communities' approval, collie dogs included.

Clearly, I am an “unaccomplished” woman, which may explain my spinster status, but who makes these rules? Well, we do. We do when we demand these things from other women, from the men in our lives, and from ourselves. If we were boldly who we are, it would be easier for the right people (loving, amazing people) to see us. Loving ourselves is the foundation for love in our lives, and we cannot have this if we live by imitation alone. Although it would be nice to speak multiple languages or take selfies like a pro, we should not do what is unnatural to us. To find the best kind of life, here is the only rule you need:

Is this unreasonable?  Just kidding...Sorry, guys.

Being who you are, in whatever fascinating form that takes today, is accomplishment enough.
 
Cheers,
The Super Spinster

Courting Iceland: Ring Road or Engagement Ring?

Selfoss with rainbow in Northern Iceland

Dear friends,

If you like it then you should have put a ring on it.  If you don't like it, hit the Ring Road.   Who needs a single-set diamond ring when you can spin around a whole country?  Waving my bare left hand at the Icelandic Highlands on my way along Iceland's Ring Road, I saluted the path ahead and the opportunities to come.

Time is short, and my patience for dating is shorter.  This past year, I could have (1) saved money for a week-long road trip around Iceland or (2) dated online and lurked in bars looking for love.  I could not afford both.  Dating sites cost around $150.00 for six months of limited choices.  Then there are the dates.  I prefer splitting the bill, so I cough up a lot of money for what?  Waiting at the bar while he runs late, hearing about his sexual frustrations with his ex-girlfriend, and watching him check his phone under the table for something better.  “So, when do I get to see your place?” he says.  “Never,” I reply.  “I’m going to Iceland.  I’d rather leap into a glacial lake than into anything with you.”

 

I put one finger into this glacial lake.  It counts as swimming.

This May, I traveled to Iceland with Alison to spin around the Ring Road for a week.  (You may remember Alison from Spinster Spotlight: Living Sola in Detroit.)   

We rented a camper van that looked like Scooby Doo’s The Mystery Machine.  We christened her “Helga”.  Helga was a trusty steed with a bumpy start.  I learned one does not drive Helga with the parking brake on, and Helga protested by flashing her check-engine light.  For one week, she was part transport, part café/bar, and part hotel.  With Helga, we traveled on our time and camped anywhere--beneath waterfalls, beside the sea, and at the bottom of mountains.

 

Helga, our Go Camper

Before embarking to Iceland, know three things.  (1) Americans are everywhere, and the Icelanders are in the countryside. (2) Icelandic food is delicious, but beware pony meat.  (3) The beer is watery, but the Brennivin is just fine.  Jump in!

We met more Americans in Iceland than Icelanders!  They were mostly friendly Midwesterners field tripping out of Reykjavik or cruising the Ring Road with us.  Some drove rental cars and stayed in hotels.  Others camped in vans like ours.  The toughest pitched tents or rode pack-ladened bikes up and down the hills (bad assess).  Everyone sought the perfect picture in Iceland’s stunning landscape.  One adventurous couple even climbed a cliff to take their wedding photos!  From the dry safety of Helga, Alison and I watched the bride don her wedding gown and cleats and climb one-hundred-or-so feet in the rain to stand beneath a waterfall with her groom.  Although the bride’s actions were admirable, being a spinster seemed easier and safer.  On the other side of romance, and a few hundred miles north, we met a friendly divorcee named Becca.  Young and recently divorced, Becca was a scientist from Washington DC and had left her cats behind to tour the Ring Road alone.  She made divorce look good.  Happy, single again, and on an adventure, she was good fun.  We shared stories over langoustine sandwiches in a little marina restaurant on Iceland’s southeastern coast.

 

Breakfast in Snaftafell Park.  I cooked sandwiches.

Speaking of sandwiches, watch your meat.  Alison, a dedicated vegetarian, was smitten by the Icelandic livestock, especially the spring lambs.  We took many photos of these critters until I could not bear it anymore.  I simply had to eat one of them.  To Alison’s horror, I gobbled a bowl of lamb stew with a side of bread, butter, and cake.  It made me a better person.  There are plenty of lambs to spare!  Horses, too.  Icelandic horses are pure bred descendants of the hardy, small horses the Vikings brought on their ships a millenium before.  There were thousands of them across Iceland, more than tourists could ride, more than farmers could sustain for pleasure alone.  My inner carnivore knew the answer but couldn’t accept it.  The Icelanders could only be…

 

Icelandic horse

…eating the ponies.  I asked two Icelanders to tell me straight—what do ya’ll do with the ponies?  “Uhhhhh….well, we ride them…and raise them…and breed them and…that’s it.”  Lies!  I was enlightened by some fellow travelers in the airport who had dined on pony that week.  Icelanders eat the little guys, and they’re the better for it.  The average lifespan of an Icelander is 82.86 years compared to the U.S.’s 78.74 (Source: World Bank 2015).  Could Americans live an extra four years by eating horse alone?

No, but we can learn much from Icelanders.

 

Safety first!  This sign was for the tourists, not the Icelanders.

(1)  Eat real food.  Not fast food.  Not food that’s low fat or low sugar or low calorie.  Just eat the real butter, milk, fish, sugar, and horse.  The preservatives in fake food are making us huge and unhealthy, and the real stuff tastes better.

(2)  Eat fish.  Go catch it, then eat it.

(3)  Move.  Icelanders walk, bike, and hike into old age.  This keeps them svelt and quick witted.

(4)  Swim.  Icelanders sit in hot tubs and swimming in pools heated by the island’s thermal energy.  They sweat out toxins, top up with Brennivin (a liquorice-tasting liquor), and repeat.

(5)  Know your neighbors.  Icelandic weather can be harsh, so Icelanders long relied on their neighbors to survive.  Now, they have tight-knit communities.  You can be alone in Iceland, but it’s hard to feel lonely.

 

Grjotagja Cave (featured in Game of Thrones).  It's a thermal pool a little too hot for swimming.

The Ring Road was the place to practice Icelandic living.  Alison and I swam in thermal pools, shaking off jet lag and muscle soreness.  We hiked over tawny hills, tussocky fields, black-sand beaches, and around glacial lakes.  We ate fish caught fresh with sweet potato fries and fresh bread.  We spelunked into a thermal cave that had no guard rails or warning signs.  We beheld football-stadium-sized craters caused by magma bubbles that popped.  And we watched reindeer roam freely. 

 

Alison kept us moving along Iceland's alien landscape.

We also drank watery beer.  The alcohol percentage of Icelandic beer hovers around 2.25%, far below the standard 4–5%.  Good for hydrating, bad for getting drunk.  Upon arriving in Keflavik airport, we hit the Duty-Free Store and stocked up on actual alcohol at a discount.  Alcohol is expensive in Iceland, so don’t miss the opportunity upon arriving.

 

I love Icelandic shrubbery.  These are lupines about to bloom in Reykjavik.

After all the nature and hydration the Ring Road provided, we returned to Detroit refreshed, wiser, and ready for more.  Alison flew to New York City for a music festival.  I drove to a conference in northern Michigan and started planning my next trip.  Traveling makes me better.  It helps me fall in love with the world a little more.  Other activities a woman of my age is expected to do, like online dating and lurking in bars, do not.  They make me feel like less, and I'm worth more.

Lambies!  Delicious...

So, put a ring on it or hit Iceland’s Ring Road?  The choice is easy.  It’s time to feel like more--engaged to life and in love with the world.  Whether recently divorced, ready to marry an adventurous sweetheart, or simply, joyfully single, Iceland's roads hold the escape and natural adventure we need.  It's only a plane ticket and a stop by the Duty Free away.  Just remember to take Helga's parking brake off first.

Cheers,

The Super Spinster

Alison and I at Jokulsarlon glacial lake. That is a glacier behind us.