Valentine’s Day Dates—Table for One, Please

 

Dear friends, 

Of the nearly thirty Valentine’s Days of my life, I have spent only two with a romantic partner.  One in college and one in England and neither were, well, all that great.

My first “romantic” V-Day was with my college boyfriend, Ben.  We (he) went kite sailing in a snowy field while I froze.  We (he) played with his homemade wine-making contraption in his basement, then we (he) made dinner, and we watched Humphrey Bogart and Ingrid Bergman romance each other in Casablanca.  Our date could not compete.   

A couple of weeks later, I learned that the University of Oxford had accepted me into their Master of Studies Program in English Literature.  Elated by this news, I called Ben right away.  Ben, not elated that I would be going away, broke up with me.  Thus ended that relationship, and I went to Oxford to live my dreams.

My second Valentine’s Day was in Oxford with my then-boyfriend… Ben.  (I had a problem with Bens for a while).  Ben was English, older, clever, and mysterious.  For Valentine’s Day, I went to an academic lecture alone, then he picked me up on his bike.  He brought flowers, which was nice, but then we returned to his house where we (he) cooked and we did . . . absolutely nothing.  I can hardly remember the day because I sensed he was not happy.  I was right.  A few days later, he broke up with me only after giving me his strep throat virus.  Thus ended that relationship, which I contemplated alone, on my back, in a foreign country.

Thankfully, I recovered and had a lovely relationship with an Australian mathematician named James, a story I will relate another time.  

Since those two Valentine’s Days, I have been mostly single on February 14.  Some years, I go out with friends for Galentine’s Day; others I spend at home.  The sadness and loneliness that should drive me into the chocolate box never does.  Maybe because those other Valentine’s Days were so poor I never regret not having a date for the day.  Rather, I celebrate all of the other people in my life.   

On V day, I dress in red or pink.  I bring candy and goodies to my classmates or colleagues.  I mail valentines to my friends and family.  I cook pasta, drink wine, and watch Pride & Prejudice or The Holiday, and I don’t cry or moan.  When the time is right, I will find my forever date who will treat me far better than those“has BENs” of before. 

Meanwhile, I am, and you are, dear Readers, too important to be messed with, cheated on, or lied to for the sake of a Valentine’s Day date.  Think about the “Bens” in your life, Bens like mine, and think about how you can rid yourself of them.*  You have BEN there and DONE that.  Your love is too valuable to waste.

If you find yourself alone on Valentine’s Day, and if it saddens you, start planning your date for one.  How you treat yourself is a model for how others should treat you.  Dress nicely for Valentine’s Day; a stylish outfit will portray confidence and self-respect, a perception that may wear off on you, too.  Buy yourself candy or flowers.  Make yourself the perfect lasagna.  Drink that bottle of wine.  Watch your favorite movie.  Dress up and go to a show or a game.  Do your favorite hobby or sport.  Spend the day taking care of yourself.  Don’t spiral into narcissism, but remind yourself that you are important and deserve love.

If self-care isn’t enough, try caring for those already in your life.  When I am sad or frightened or angry, helping others shakes me out of my pity party.  For example, my friend and mentor at work recently went into the hospital for pneumonia, and I was left with her work load.  She has over thirty years of experience at her job.  I have only one.  I was terrified for her, terrified for my clients, and terrified for myself.  I was at home on the weekend receiving calls and texts of bad news, and I didn’t know WHAT to do! So I baked.  And baked.  And baked.  I stress baked into an exhausted state of calm and shared the goodies with my work mates.  In doing so, some of the fear lifted, and my workmates were more inclined to help me because they were high on sugar.**  It seems love can be found in pumpkin spice bread and dark chocolate brownies.

Fear or sadness may eke their way into your Valentine’s Day, but you can overcome them.  Let this day not be about having a romantic partner; insist that it be about love, love for yourself and love for others.  Make this day memorable for the kindness and generosity you spread.  Whether you reserve a table for one at your favorite restaurant and enjoy the pleasure of your own company, share the day with your mom or your dog or your friends, or hang with your romantic partner, Valentine’s Day is yours to design.  Make it about the love that’s already in your life, and see what you can do to make it grow.

Love,

The Super Spinster

*I have a cousin named “Ben” who is a lovely man and treats his girlfriend well.  I wouldn’t rid myself of him for anything.

**My friend and mentor has recovered (thank God!), and I have stopped baking and gaining weight.