Dear friends,
Being a spinster has advantages, like the time to observe how
incredibly rude and remarkably kind we can be to each other. I sit comfortably alone at bars and in coffee
shops, and while others talk and scroll through screens, I mourn our all-too-common
inhumanity and celebrate the rare courtesies amidst the muck.
For example, in one hour in a café, I observed nearly everyone open the door solely for himself, greet no one in line, text while ordering, leave milk dribbles on the counter, and hoard tables with bags and computers while lost in headphones. An elderly couple sat in a corner holding hands having needed each other’s help to move from counter to table. They had a large shopping bag at their feet and seemed bemused by everyone sitting or standing engrossed in their own worlds.
Disgusted by all this, I went to the counter for a
refill to go. Grimacing and ready
to flee, I ordered and reached for my purse when a man behind me signaled the
barista with his card and said, “Hers is on me.” Before I could refuse, he had paid for my
drink and handed it to me. I winced and
thought, “Ugh, please don’t hit on me. I
am not in the mood.” After all the
rudeness I had observed, I was too jaded to believe someone would be nice. But he handed me the drink, wished me a good
day with a smile, and left. His kindness
had required nothing, and I was shaken and ashamed that my first response had
been selfish and negative.
Human that I am, my first thoughts each day are for myself: “What’s
for breakfast? Do I need to pee badly
enough to get out of bed? Do I have to
wear a suit today?” The first two are
selfish, but the third is less so.
I am an attorney, and court appearances require formal attire. When I contort myself into tights (who can
eat in these things???), a pencil skirt, and heels, and when I arrive on time
and treat everyone from the judge to the file clerk with respect, I project to others that I
care. That is the core of courtesy. I care about you, I care about me, I care
about what I do today.
As individuals, we are, naturally, our first priority. But, choosing to think of others first is
thinking of ourselves, too. I have been
dead tired, standing on a bus on a hot summer day longing for a seat only to
surrender it to an ungrateful, entitled old lady. My courtesy meant little to her; she expects it.
But I don’t. Common kindness has nearly gasped its last in
our society, so it brings me joy to resuscitate it, and when I receive it from
others, I can hardly believe my luck.
Treating others with respect is how I, in turn, respect myself.
After the gentleman at the café waved goodbye, I bought the
coffee for the lady in line behind me. She
seemed too surprised to say anything and looked around like I had performed a
small miracle. I collected my things
with a smile and walked out. Before I
reached my car, I turned and saw her through the café window. She had set aside her drink to grab the door
for the old couple with the big shopping bag that had been sitting together in the corner. They held hands tightly so as not to fall,
and the lady for whom I had bought the coffee carried their bag to their car. They smiled, thanked her, and drove away. As she walked back into the café, she saw me
watching and waved with a grin. I waved back.
We went about
our days after that, the kind gentleman, the old couple, the nice lady, and me. I cannot speak for the others, but my common
cares seemed lightened by those uncommon kindnesses. Courtesy had cost me a cup of coffee
but had given me invaluable results. I could feel it breathing again and sighing with relief.
Most of us care about good manners but have forgotten to practice them. It does not mean we are selfish or bad. We are just struggling to create the kind of atmosphere in which happiness breathes. Thankfully, our habits can be changed in many small, easy ways. See if
you already follow these common courtesies:
·
Make your bed. Watch U.S. Admiral William McRaven’s
commencement speech about how learning to do the little things right helps you
accomplish the big things, like becoming a Navy Seal. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3sK3wJAxGfs
·
Greet people. Don’t walk by with a grimace or weak smile. That person is just as important as you are even
if she’s miserable and she sucks. You
never know; maybe she was waiting for you to reach out. Or maybe she just sucks. Be nice anyway.
·
Only ask “How are you?” if you care. Don’t just say it and walk away. Look the person in the eye, and wait for a
response. You may be surprised how much
people appreciate this. If you don’t
care how they are, “Hello” with a smile will do.
·
Open doors and give up seats for the elderly,
pregnant, and obviously stressed out.
These people are on the struggle bus, so help them off it. Make the offer twice. The first time, they may refuse out of politeness. Offer once more. If they still refuse, smile and move on. There is no gendered rule about this. I open doors for men, and they open doors for
me. Who cares.
·
Please, Thank You, Excuse Me, You’re Welcome. It’s the little courtesies that make the big
impression. Do this for everyone—your mom,
the toll-booth guy, the waitress, your coworkers, etc. Your courtesy will be remembered.
·
Leave a tip. Unless the service was awful, tip your waiter
at least 15%. Waiting tables is hard
work, and the waiters often receive less than minimum wage and must share tips
with the kitchen staff. If you don’t
follow this advice, I suggest you inspect your soup before eating it.
·
Bring the host a gift. If someone invites you to a party,
o
(1) ask if you can bring something (salad,
dessert, wine?),
o
(2) arrive on time and dressed nicely,
o
(3) ask if you should leave your shoes on or take
them off,
o
(4) offer to help the host serve or clean up,
o
(5) leave the bathroom tidy (I shouldn’t have to
say this.),
o
(6) say “thank you” before leaving and compliment
the host on the party.
·
When you receive a gift, send a thank you. Too often, I have brought a gift to a party
and not received a thank-you note/email/text.
This is not an old-fashioned courtesy.
It’s gratitude and likely to bring future gifts.
·
Shovel your elderly neighbor’s driveway. Unless
you want the excitement of seeing them lying on the snowy driveway because of a
heart attack, calling 911, and explaining to their grieving families why they
were shoveling snow while you were next door, just get out there and do
it. If you, dear reader, are one of the
elderly, it’s not that you can’t do it, it’s just that we prefer you don’t.
·
Be on time. This means being no more than ten minutes
early or ten minutes late. If you cannot
be on time, call. We all have things to
do, so please do not make people wait or wonder.
·
Slob not.
Looking nice, keeping your desk, car, house, apartment, or yard clean
shows others you care about what they have to look at and care about
yourself. What you do in private is up
to you.
·
If others are discourteous, forgive and be kind anyway. But don’t forget. How others treat you is a clue to how they
think of you. If they cannot be bothered
to be courteous, they may not treat themselves well either. That should arouse your compassion, but it
does not mean you must trust or move mountains for them. Perhaps they will realize that when they are
kinder to you it reaps better results for them.
I would love to hear your stories about common and uncommon
courtesy. Please share in the comments
below.
Cheers,
Super Spinster
