Wedding Season Survival Guide

Dear friends,

It is upon us.  Wedding season.  The photos have begun in earnest.  There are the engagement photos, the dress shopping for bride, bridesmaid, and mothers, the bridal shower or showers, the bachelorette party, the bachelor party, then the wedding followed by the honeymoon photos and the one-month anniversary photos….does it ever end?  With the recent wedding of Prince Harry and Meghan Markle, we are inundated with images of fairy tale nuptials and wedded bliss.  A wedding isn't just a day; it's a season of hype leading to a moment when two people vow to love each other forever and, with luck and hard work, sometimes manage to.  As soon as one season passes, another begins, and the best we can do is adjust to this cultural obsession.

When I say adjust, I don’t mean go find a fiancé and marry him just because everyone else is.  We both know that is happening at an alarming rate.  By adjust, I mean embrace the fun, romance, and comical irony of these seasons.  Some of these marrying couples love each other, and it should be great fun to celebrate with them.

Survive wedding season with the following 8 tips:

 

   (1) Overcome the “+1”

Most wedding invitations include a “+1”, usually for a romantic partner.  I say forget that rule.  New rules: “+1” means bring that cool person with whom you would have a fabulous time.  OR You don’t need a +1 to have fun.  At the past two wedding I have attended, I have not brought an extra person and have had a heck of a time.  When I have brought a guest, it is my sister/best friend.  We rock the party and love confusing people with our similar faces in differing hair colors (my sister is blonde; I am brunette).  The comments we get are great, too.  “How cute! You brought your sister.  No boyfriend for either of you?”  My polite response: “No.  The best guy around just got married.  Don't they look happy?”  Or, my favorite, “You’re a catch!  Why aren’t you married yet?”  My response: “Just lucky I guess.”

 

    (2)  Wear What Suits

Appropriate dress for a wedding shows respect for the couple, but obsessing over your outfit is absurd.  We don’t care if you wore that suit and tie in the last wedding photos.  We don’t care if that dress is the one you wore to your cousin’s nuptials last spring.  We don’t care.  Wear what is respectful and makes you happy.  I have worn the same dress to multiple weddings because it is comfortable, I can dance it, and it makes me look great.  I have no problem looking fabulous and happy again and again in wedding photos.  However, if you must wear something different, don’t buy a new dress; consider www.renttherunway.com and rent a new ensemble for less.

    (3)  Just Say “No”

Just because the bride or groom asks you to be in the wedding party or to attend their destination wedding in New Zealand doesn’t mean you are a bad person for saying “no”.  Being in a wedding party or traveling across the world is expensive and time-consuming.  If you cannot afford the expense or time, be honest.  Just promise to help where you can, be a great guest at the wedding, or celebrate with them when they return from Bora Bora.

    (4)  Filter Out the Photos

Wedding season photos can become obnoxious.  They are all posed, and everyone looks absurdly happy.  If the rhinestones blind you, turn off the photos on your social media.  Yes, you care about these people and want them to be happy, but if it is driving you crazy, stop.  I am a happy single woman, but even I feel sad seeing all of the photos of the happily hitched.  I start torturing myself with, “Why do they have all the luck?  When will it be my turn?  Is there something wrong with me?  Is it because I am an attorney?  Too outspoken?  Am I too tall?  Am I single because I write a crazy blog about spinsters?? What is wrong with me??!!”  Nothing.  These feelings are part of the wedding fever disease.  Medicate immediately by turning off the photos, find your single friends, and go have fun at once.  It will pass as long as you take care of yourself and remember that just because everyone’s photos are perfect doesn’t mean their lives are perfect.  We all have difficulties and getting married isn’t easy.  We use photo filters not just too hide visible imperfections; we use photos to hide our troubles, too.

   

    (5)  Make Party Friends

You may attend a wedding that is full of friends and family.  Great!  It’s an opportunity to reconnect with those you love already.  In April, I attended my cousin’s wedding and loved visiting with my family and meeting their friends.  We were all dressed up, eating well, and celebrating two people, my cousin and his new wife, who love each other.  What could be better?

If you attend a wedding where you know few people, make friends this way.  It is easier to meet people in a line, so visit the drinks or food tables.  A good opener is commenting (kindly) on someone’s outfit or your environment, introducing yourself, and conversing from there.  This works for men or women.  Gentlemen, it is nice to compliment a lady on her dress as long as it is respectful.  Comments on accessories, shoes, or outfit color are safe.  Easy conversation topics are the wedding ceremony you just saw, where you met the married couple, and the location of the party.  With luck, you may meet some awesome people and even hit the dance floor!

  

    (6)  Hitting the Dance Floor

I like to dance, and I don’t wait for someone to invite me out there.  I don’t need to be drunk to dance (no matter what people think), and I don’t care how I look.  I have a great time, and the married couple usually are happy someone is enjoying the DJ or band they paid for.  At my cousin’s wedding in November, I had a hoot with the bride and the bridesmaids, my cousins, and the other brave souls who danced the night away.  What a workout!  I burned off all the cake calories in no time!  For slow dances, I gave my feet a much-needed break and enjoyed watching the happy couples have their moments.

    (7)  Catching the Bouquet

Ladies, the bride may want to throw the bouquet as a blessing to her single friends, and if you want that flowery concoction, prepare like this:  Shoes off.  Dead center behind the bride.  Give it a few feet so she can throw it. Elbows out.  Focus, and reach!  My cousin’s wedding in November had some eager single ladies lining up for the bouquet.  I care little about these things (I thought), but I participate to please the bride.  My sister was in the fray, too, and a photo of us at the prime moment reveals a lot.  Someone caught a photo as the bouquet flew through the air, and there I am, face alight, looking up at the bouquet (that I didn’t catch) with a huge smile.  Behind us is my sister, wine glass still in hand, grimacing and ducking the fatal flowers.  That about sums us up.  I am the hopeless romantic pretending not to be.  She will protect her drink and face from projectiles no matter the occasion.

    (8)  Waving the Wedded Couple Goodbye

Wish them well as they go.  Whether you enjoyed the wedding or not, here are two people who just vowed to love each other forever.  Be happy for them.  Be happy for the other engaged and married couples in your life.  Support those who split.  Be happy for yourself and the blessings you already have.  Wine helps.

*BONUS TIP* 

(9) Throw your Own Party!

Longing for a party of your own but not tying the knot?  Who cares?!  Throw a party to celebrate something you love.  I had a party at my house celebrating the wedding of Prince Harry and Meghan Markle.  I bought British-themed party favors, baked scones and a cake, made tea, and invited my friends and family over to watch the wedding reruns, drink, and make merry.  I dressed up, put my pearls on, and received the flowers, wine, and food my generous guests brought.  With my love for England, the royal family, and romance, it was the perfect wedding season party for me, and I had a great time.  Your themed party can be anything from a costume party to a Game-of-Thrones-watch party to a barbecue.  Celebrate the way you like, and share the love with those you care about.

Last words:  Weddings can be stressful, but they are an opportunity to connect, celebrate, and love each other, including ourselves.  Parties allow us to meet new people and catch up with those we missed.  We eat well, drink merrily, and dance.  I love my family and friends and enjoy the time with them.  I love connecting with and learning about others.  Although I worry about some couples who perhaps have chosen poorly, I respect the risk they are taking and wish them well.  And when wedding season gets me down, I take a break from the photos and practice self- care, like riding my bike down hills really fast, digging into the garden, or planning a trip across the ocean.  I take that negative energy and channel it into caring for myself, helping others, and loving the ones I’m with.  It works well for me, and I have enjoyed every wedding attended thus far.  Bring on the invitations! 

 

May this wedding season be full of blessings for the engaged, the married, and all the guests ready to celebrate happy couples betting on love and each other.  I am rooting for you!

Cheers!

The Super Spinster

I Gave Up Anxiety for Lent

Dear friends, 

Phones ring, files breed across my desk, and my collie dog frightens a new colleague away from the door on her first day at the office.  (Don’t worry.  She came back.)  These small dramas are nothing compared to the bigger dramas in my life, but I smile serenely because I gave up anxiety for Lent.

I live with Anxiety.  Capital “A” anxiety.  I worry about everything.  What if a plane crashed onto the street outside my house?  What if the chemicals in this creamy peanut butter give me cancer?  What if I never find my soulmate?  Could I get a sperm donor?  What if my sperm donor is a psychopath?  If I don't recycle this plastic bag, will an animal eat it and die?  Would I look better blonde?  Is North Korea poised to push the button and nuke us?  Have I lived enough to die today?

No, I had not lived enough because every moment spent worrying was a moment not lived.  I missed the taste of the peanut butter, flaked on dating, and disregarded the healthy relationships around me.  I was missing things and focusing on exhausting improbabilities.

I have had Anxiety my whole life.  As a girl, I would get so excited and worried about family vacations that I would vomit the night before and prompt my parents to cancel because they thought I was sick.  High school was a blur of attempted perfection—captain of three teams, valedictorian, band geek, too tired to address the problem of feeling like I didn’t belong.  In college, when my grandmother was dying from cancer and Parkinson's, I would run and run and run around campus and feel too full of anxious acid to eat the calories I needed.  I got too thin.  At Oxford, I agonized over my intellectual inadequacy and strained myself into strep throat.  Now, I am a young attorney in a family business, everyone is getting married and having children like the world is about to end, and I can’t eat my favorite foods because my acid reflux makes them unappetizing.

But there’s hope.  At the beginning of Lent this year, I’d had enough.  Anxiety had ruled my life for too long.  I may never find my soulmate, and Kim Jong-un may kill us all, but I would not be controlled by fear any more. 

At first, it was easy.  Whenever I started wandering along the worry trails, I yelled “Halt!” and switched to something pleasant.  I forged new mental paths.  Look at all the Hart of Dixie episodes I have left!  Purple spring crocuses are popping through the ivy!  Book club meets next week at the steakhouse!  I swam two miles in the pool in the fast lane!  Every time the anxiety started to choke me, I breathed deeply until my heart was so full of oxygen that it had no choice but to relax.  “Calm the f*** down,” I said.  “God has it handled.”

Lent has passed, and I wish I could say I float serenely through the storm.  God has challenged me anew with some personal drama.  Someone dear to me may be ill and need treatment, and I am unsure of the future.  I study law, not medicine, and I fret about what I don't know. Even the calmest individual could not escape fear in this situation, but I wonder if God wanted me to give up Anxiety this Lent because trouble was on the horizon.  I could have given up many things, but He encouraged me to release the thing that would torture me the most.  Clearly, there's a plan I have yet to understand.

Work won’t let up, and neither will life, yet I am better armed against it.  In overcoming Anxiety, I pray for three things.  I pray for Wisdom to find the right path, Courage to step onto it, and Strength to carry me through.  Tomorrow has its own challenges, but for today my collie dog and the new colleague are friends, my files are handled, and God takes care of the rest.

If you suffer from Anxiety, here are a few suggestions for managing it:

Pet a friendly animal.  It lowers blood pressure.

Exercise.  It releases endorphins (happy chemicals), pounds out anger and fear, and keeps you fit enough to handle the stress.

Talk to a good listener.  If you don’t have someone to talk to, God listens and answers in interesting ways (story on that for another time).

Go outside.  Plants, especially trees, release calming chemicals.  In Japan, people call it “Forest Bathing” and do it regularly. http://www.shinrin-yoku.org/shinrin-yoku.html 

Stop judging yourself.  If you need to eat ice cream and watch a dumb TV show, do it.  Sin a little to release some steam in the pressure cooker.

Never think you are alone.  Consult your doctor if you suffer from serious symptoms.  I have been there, and there is no shame in it.  Visit here for more information: https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/anxiety-disorders/index.shtml. 

Cheers,
Super Spinster