Dear friends,
Spinsters, bachelors, and couplers, maintain your sanity and
dignity these holidays with the following survival guide. This time of year can be awkward, so don’t
venture out unprepared! I hope you enjoy these three common scenarios with
uncommon strategies. Let me know of your
adventures.
Scenario 1: A colleague, Bob, invites you to his
holiday party, and you’re tempted by the promise of drinks and your favorite
holiday cookies. But, Bob has a plan
that Shelly reveals to you at the water cooler.
Bob intends to set you up with his hopeless cousin with the light-up
reindeer sweater with the sweaty upper lip.
Bob has planted mistletoe above the cookie table and hides guests’ coats
in the cellar so they can’t leave swiftly.
What do you do?
Strategy A: Don’t go!
Turn around! Stay home.
Strategy B: Attend the party. If you have a date, s/he must not leave
you! Practice vice grips in the
car.
If you’re alone, don’t wear a
coat. Wear a warm sweater. If things get weird, you don’t need to find
your coat. Just leave.
When the host hands you a strong,
debilitating drink, do not drink it until you have located all mistletoe. Once done, plant yourself in a chair. Not a couch.
A chair. If you’re sitting,
you’re harder to sidle up to. If someone
wants to sit nearby, you are, at least, protected by chair arms.
While trapped in the chair, summon Bob’s kid,
give him $5.00, and get him to bring you drinks and cookie refills. The kid may also serve as a lookout and
scream “God bless us everyone!” when the creepy cousin draws near. If forced to leave your seat by a call of
nature, pretend to take an important call from Aunt Elma in the hospital. This conversation also will give you an
excuse to leave, “Sorry, Bob. Aunt Elma
ran out of cigarettes at the hospital again.
I’ve got to get them to her before she strangles the candy
striper.” Your altruism will be hard to
argue with.
If you find yourself trapped under the mistletoe with the
unfortunate cousin, use my favorite romance deterrent. Sneeze!
Sneeze hard, then sneeze again while making strange, loud noises. Excuse yourself to get a tissue. The moment having been killed, you may return
to your seat and beverage.
When ready to depart, wait until Bob walks by. Stand, grab his arm, and march to the
door with intense stare and profuse thanks for the invitation. Don't let him get a word in about you missing a chance to kiss the moist-upper-lipped cousin. Wave goodbye and leave
in triumph, sweater pockets full of cookies.
Scenario 2: Your friend invites you to a New Year’s
get-together at a local watering hole. You
plan to drink heavily to herald in 2018, but you know your friend’s weirdo
neighbor with the lawn gnome collection and knitted t-shirts will be there. And
she likes you. You also know your ex will be lurking around with his or her hot
new piece. You are over your ex but
don’t want to deal with that drama. What
do you do?
Strategy A: Don’t go. Stay home and
sleep.
Strategy B: Plan your party attire. Gentlemen, I imagine you’ll wear trousers,
but if not, heed this advice. When I was
twelve years old, a well-intentioned family friend counseled me as follows: parties
require pants. Ladies, I know the skirts
and dresses are cute, but consider the danger.
Once you get thoroughly sloshed, you may have to use the bathroom. In cleaning up, your drunk self may forget to
pull your skirt down all the way. It may
get stuck in your underwear or tights, but you’re too bombed to notice. You won’t realize until your cold butt goes
outside at which point you’ll freeze to death anyway because you’re wearing a
skirt at midnight in January. Furthermore,
unwanted hands easily find ways up skirts and dresses. Enjoy the protection of pants. If you want a hand directly on your butt,
oblige the lady or gentleman by taking your pants off. It’s easy and fun and far less embarrassing.
Trousers on tight, you’re ready to party! Intending to get hammered, schedule a ride. You’re too important to get in an accident,
and I don’t want your drunken foolishness ruining my new year. Even if you think you won’t drink, have the
number of a taxi, Uber, or Lyft. You never
know who’ll spike your punch, and you never know who else might need you to
call a ride for them.
Speaking of spiking, watch your drink. If you take your eyes off it, get a new
one. Gentlemen, this applies to you,
too. People get weird on New Year’s Eve,
and no pants will protect you from drugging. If you see someone drug a drink, alert the victim and the
management immediately. You may save
someone’s life.
While drinking your well-watched drink and having
fun, the creepy neighbor approaches.
Consider these romance-deterring gems: “No, I can’t go out next
Friday. I have another meeting with the
Mother Superior/Priest to discuss my joining the order. Black is so my color.” “Saturday doesn’t work
either. I’m resting my feet before my
next 1k race. I’m really hoping the
corns go away by then. Have you ever had
corns?” Or, my favorite, “Sorry, I’m not interested in dating right now. At least, not until the results come back….”
What about the ex and his or her new thing? Acknowledge them with a smile and a
wave. You are the bigger, better person,
so don’t ignore, but don’t talk to them if you don’t want to. If they approach, compliment the new girlfriend
on her dress (“I saw that dress on clearance at JC Penney! So cute.
Only $10.00! You know the skirt is
tucked into your tights, right?”) or compliment the new boyfriend’s lumberjack
beard (“Your beard reminds me of my new friend, Joe. We get coffee together then feed his pet
squirrel, Nutsy, in the park. He lives
there. He and Nutsy.”) If asked how you’re doing, say you’re “well”. Don’t elaborate. You don’t have time for these people. Remain a mystery. Appear to see someone you know across the
room, smile, then excuse yourself. If
you can’t fake finding someone, hide in the bathroom for ten minutes.
As the clock nears midnight, finalize your smooching strategy. Is there someone you want to kiss? Find and isolate him or her at fifteen
minutes to. Talk about his or her
favorite thing (emotional entrapment), then look surprised when the countdown
starts. I guess you’ll just have to kiss
or hug when the clock strikes twelve! If
you brought a date, make sure my clever readers don’t pull this on your
man/woman. No New Year’s date or
hopeful? Find a friend and cling to him
or her for dear life. If friendless this evening, find
one of those whistles and place it firmly in your mouth. Blow hard when the clock strikes. Deafen unwanted suitors, and don’t stop
whistling until at least 12:01 A.M., January 1, 2018.
Scenario 3: You don’t have a holiday party to attend. No one invited you for Christmas, Hanukkah,
or New Year’s. You’re not one of those
people who likes the holidays alone with wine and White Christmas. What do you
do?
Strategy for Christmas/Hanukkah: Visit a church or synagogue
for Christmas or Hanukkah. Many people
who don’t usually attend service come for these holidays, so you won’t stand
out. You can enjoy the spectacle: music,
decorations, fancy dress, secret flasks escaping purses, and kids dressed like
lambs messing up pageant lines.
After service, enjoy the free food and drink. If approached about joining the congregation
or group, say you’re exploring your options, thank them for their time, and ask
who made the amazing matzo ball soup. It’ll
start a fight over whose is the best.
Strategy for New Year’s Eve: Start your exercise regime on
December 31, 2017, exhaust yourself, then go to bed in endorphin-filled
triumph. If this doesn’t appeal, visit a
local bar and enjoy people watching. You
may see some of the drama I described above, then you can message me with new
strategies.
Strategy for Every Day: Whether it’s the holidays or the
rest of the year, you are enough. Even
if not invited to holiday parties, even if not in love, even if confused about
your relationship status or uncertain where you’re going, you are where you are
supposed to be. You needn’t be jolly the
whole time, but find the fun in the season.
Things may get weird or sad, but there’s sweetness in even the hardest
fruitcake. Discover it and let 2018
start with hope for better, love for others, and faith that this year will be
yours.
Cheers!
The Super Spinster
