**Disclaimer** When online dating and meeting a stranger in person, please use “uncommon
sense”—meet in a public place, tell a friend where you’re going and
when, and always have an exit strategy. It’s
better to be safe than to have to make them sorry for messing with you.
Dear Friends,
You were wondering when I would cover this. That dating thing. We expect spinsters to do it. From the time she's a girl, a spinster’s
family, friends, and colleagues start gently prodding her onto the dating field or gently justifying why
she’s still single. Here are a few “hints”:
- From Grandma: I’m fifteen years old. It's Christmas. “Merry Christmas, honey. I hope you like the little black purse I bought you. It’s for dates. Have you been on any lately?” Sweet, but “no, Grandma. I’m fifteen, and the only dating venue—the Dairy Queen—doesn’t open until March.”
- From a client: I just became a lawyer. I work for my father, the firm’s partner. The client says, “Thanks so much for helping me with that legal issue. Oh, and did I tell you my first granddaughter was born? I’m so excited! So, when are you going to give your dad grandchildren?” “Shhhh!!!” I respond. “Keep your voice down. You’ll give him ideas.”
- From a guest at a wedding: I had just given the maid of honor speech. “Beautiful speech. And you all look great in those bridesmaid dresses. But don’t worry, your day to wear the white
dress will come. Speaking of, where’s
your date?” Behind the bar. His name is Jack. Jack Daniels. Thanks for asking.
- On a date with someone I met online: “You said you’ve been single for a long time. Are you just hard to date?” As I'm walking out, "Absolutely. How did you know? Goodbye."
I have many painful vignettes like these. Although funny in hindsight, these adventures
in spinsterhood are stressful. There’s
so much pressure to find “the right one” right away when every “one” I dated was
not quite right for me. So, I’d
wander between dating and hiding. My other
dreams filled the time—college, work, travel, law school. These things made me
feel good. Yet…., was I missing something?
In the spirit of adventure, I entered the online dating
world last fall. I had just become a
lawyer, was making money, and could afford a few bad dates. If nothing else, it would be entertaining,
right?
More than I knew. Now only
five months later, I have had many first dates, some second dates,
a few thirds, fourths, and fifths, and many awkward moments. I was only reminded of how bizarre this mode
of dating is when I, just a few weeks ago, went on my first non-online date in forever.
Before I get to that, let's state the obvious: meeting
people on the internet is weird. You don’t
know them. They don’t know you. You’re just swapping shiny profiles. If you’re brave enough to meet after a few
days or weeks of texting, that first date is a crap shoot. Are they heavier or skinnier than their picture (i.e. catfishing)? Are they too shy in person? Do they never shut up? Do they whine about failed dates? Do they have shifty eyes and a missing wallet? You hope not, but this person hasn’t been
vetted by someone you trust, so you never
know until it’s too late. (More on that in a future post.)
A few weeks ago, I broke the online-dating cycle by going
out with the cousin of a friend. We had
met once before, at my friend’s prompting, and that date went pretty well (no
shifty eyes; he had his wallet). He even had a nice enough
time to ask me out again, this time to a Detroit Tigers’ game. Thinking it would be fun, I accepted. And it was! We drank beer, I asked dumb questions about
baseball (Me: “What is that big, ugly, yellow pole? It’s blocking people’s view.” Him: “Um, that marks the foul line.” Me:
[God, I’m dumb.]), and we had a few laughs while watching the Tigers win. We also met cool people sitting next to us. We chatted about our jobs, that my
date lives in Lansing, and that I live near Detroit. All was going well until one of them leaned
over and asked, “So, are you two on a Tinder date?”
TINDER??? Does this
LOOK like a Tinder date? Who takes a
Tinder girl to a Tigers’ game? No one
works that hard for a hookup. No one
drives from Lansing to Detroit and back again in one day to
get some action from a woman he met on Tinder.
Even if she were hot enough to be worth the drive, she’d probably ruin
the game with her dumb questions (uhhhhh…..).
Why is that the assumption? Is there no other way for people to meet than online?
Apparently not. If
you’re not online, you’re not in the game.
Too few people will date without the armor and convenience of the
internet. Too few people will risk introducing
themselves to a stranger unless they can exit the conversation—turn off their
phones—when it gets weird. And I can’t
blame them. We’re so glued to
our phones that any impromptu conversation seems an interruption. Rather than risk meeting someone’s eye, we gaze
at our screens and cling to whom we already know or can safely shut off. Even though I fought online dating, hoping we would return to the open-faced friendliness of pre-cell-phone days, we haven’t and likely won’t.
Whether dating online or in person, my story has been the
same. I have swung
and missed. A few times, I hit
the ball and started running but only fouled out. My eye is getting better at picking the right
pitches, but I still don’t understand what that guy on the mound is doing. At twenty-eight years old, my arms are tired,
and I’m dusty and dehydrated.
I’ve been at this game since fifteen. Friend after friend slides into home with a smile and a cheer while I swing through endless innings.
Best wishes, and Go Tigers!
Super Spinster
P.S. Please comment below with the interesting things people have said to
you about being single. And don’t forget
to share your dating stories—online and otherwise!
