Are you an "ideal woman"?

Dear friends,

Dating websites, blind dates, parties, studies abroad, professional meet ups, sports bars, and 5ks--I've tried them all, but I cannot crack today's ideal womanhood. Getting a guy nowadays is a hunt, and if you don't have the right gear, you're more likely to be shot by your fellow huntresses than hit the prized game. These women work hard to be the perfect bait for the perfect guy, and competing with them is a full-time job. With all of this pressure, I have to wonder, do I fit the requirements of an “ideal” woman?

Back in 1813, Jane Austen mockingly summarized what her society deemed the "accomplished lady", i.e. the well-equipped maiden on the hunt for a husband. In Pride and Prejudice, Austen paints her society's conception of the "accomplished" woman:

A woman must have a thorough knowledge of music, singing, drawing, dancing, all the modern languages, to deserve the word; and besides all this, she must possess a certain something in her air and manner of walking, the tone of her voice, her address and expressions, or the word will be but half deserved.

Jennifer Ehle as Elizabeth Bennett in BBC's Pride and Prejudice (1995)

Elizabeth Bennett, the novel’s heroine, lacks half of these characteristics. Her family could not afford a governess to teach her all the tricks, but she bags the wealthy, brave, and kind Mr. Darcy by being herself and refusing to settle for less than she deserved.
 
A few sips of the teacup later and we are in 2018 with new rules but the same marriage dance. For women, marriage still is the ultimate social triumph.  So, what makes today's “accomplished” woman? I compiled a list based on thirty years of living in white, middle-class North America and thanks to a few forays out of it for greater perspective.

Today's "Ideal Womanhood"

(1) The Ideal Woman is heterosexual with lesbian escapades from college that she swears resulted from too many mixed drinks during sorority rush week.

(2) She is between eighteen and thirty-five years old.

(3) She has a high-school certificate and some kind of degree.  She will need that to get a job to pay for all the things the TV tells her she needs. 

(4) She is HOT but not enough to think she can leave. Gentle yoga and Pilates are acceptable forms of exercise.

(5) She likes traveling, hiking, and sports.  She has traveled to Mexican resorts, London, Paris, or New York because that is what girls do (Gossip Girl, Sex in the City, Gilmore Girls, see Netflix).  She likes “hiking” in her Lululemon and likes whatever sports her man likes.

(6) She works as a teacher, nurse, social worker, or other nurturing profession. 

(7) She likes to “Netflix and chill”.  If you don’t know what this means, it is ten minutes of whatever Netflix show he wants with snacks then sex.  

(8) She cooks, cleans, gardens, shops, and loves it.   

(9) She has pinned her whole wedding on Pinterest, takes selfies like a pro, and has girls' nights with a lot of white wine and minimal food. 

(10) She has between two and five sexual partners in her life.  Too many partners and she is a “slut”. Too few and there is something wrong with her. (This is grossly unfair.)

If you share some of these qualities, and I like some of these things, too (London and Paris! Gossip Girl), cheers to you! If not, you are in good company:

The Super Spinster Takes on Modern "Hotness"

 
(1) I am heterosexual. I have no lesbian escapades. I just have awesome lesbian friends.

Me, Super Spinster

(2) I am thirty and childless. Tick tock!

(3) I went to law school and left without a husband.

(4) I am fit but not pretty when exercising.

(5) When I travel, I ring around Iceland for a week (Courting Iceland: Ring Road or Engagement Ring?), pub crawl across Ireland (Spinsters Take the Emerald Isle!), or plan a foodie-trip to Mexico City.  I hike through mud with pleasure and care little for watching sports.

Witchy Lawyer Lady

(6) I am a collections attorney specializing in creditor's rights, which is as far from "nurturing" as you can get.

(7) I do not pay $10.99 per month for crushed snacks in my couch cushions and weak attempts at romance while Netflix's Stranger Things is on. 

(8) I am a domestic goddess because I like taking care of things. 

(9) I have not planned my wedding, and when I and my friends hang out, we drink red wine and EAT.

Me and Artie

(10) As for romance, he ain't getting anything until I see his medical records, criminal background, credit score, three recommendations from close friends, a confession of true love upon thoughtful reflection, and my entire family's and communities' approval, collie dogs included.

Clearly, I am an “unaccomplished” woman, which may explain my spinster status, but who makes these rules? Well, we do. We do when we demand these things from other women, from the men in our lives, and from ourselves. If we were boldly who we are, it would be easier for the right people (loving, amazing people) to see us. Loving ourselves is the foundation for love in our lives, and we cannot have this if we live by imitation alone. Although it would be nice to speak multiple languages or take selfies like a pro, we should not do what is unnatural to us. To find the best kind of life, here is the only rule you need:

Is this unreasonable?  Just kidding...Sorry, guys.

Being who you are, in whatever fascinating form that takes today, is accomplishment enough.
 
Cheers,
The Super Spinster