Holiday Movie Hell--Save Yourselves

Holiday Movie Hell "The Best Holiday Movies to Stream Online"

Dear friends,

"Abandon all hope, ye who enter here" said Dante Alighieri one December when he flicked on The Hallmark Channel for some holiday rest and relaxation and...what the hell is this crap??!  What's that girl from that 90s show doing on here?  That's not real snow!  Would someone zip up that woman's coat?!  New York doesn't look that clean!!!

Okay, so Dante never wrote about modern holiday movies.  He was a thirteenth-century Italian poet without television, but his quote, as etched above the door to Hell in his Inferno, suits my feelings about holiday movies and their UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS. 

Bridget Jones's Diary

UNREALISTIC EXPECTATION #1: I must fall in love before Christmas.  Even the scroogiest heartthrob businessman will find love beneath the mistletoe when he is forced back to his rural hometown for the holidays.  He encounters his lost love from high school, who now runs a small shop selling organic goats' milk soaps, when she hits his Mercedes with her goat truck.  Then, over the twelve days of Christmas, she reminds him he still has a soul, they kiss beneath the mistletoe, and he dumps his city life and city girlfriend for good.  

REALITY CHECK #1: That Christmas enchantment won't last past Valentine's Day.  He will get tired of mixing organic soap for her.  His penthouse in the city has no room for her goats.  The holiday glitz fades, so stick with the guy who dug your car out of a snowdrift last March while you messed with the radio presets in his nice warm car: that love lasts all year.

A Christmas Arrangement (2018)
with Poppy Benson, a struggling florist who finds love

UNREALISTIC EXPECTATION #2: Only women in "cheerful" professions deserve holiday romance.  Hallmark heroines with a "spirit for Christmas" have challenging jobs but never seem to work that hard.  They are elementary school teachers with perfect children, interior designers who never run out of tape, bakers who can afford to close shop for Christmas to run after European princes, and wedding bloggers who sip expensive lattes in elegant cafes. (Note: I am sitting at home with messy hair drinking a poor woman's latte, water.)  How does this fantastical woman raise her young son on her own, run a successful cafe/bookshop, direct the children's choir, and do her hair like that?  The female characters who seem stressed, like real people, are in the "grinchy" professions: lawyers, bankers, and journalists.  If only they could do a gender-appropriate job, they could enjoy Christmas properly. 

REALITY CHECK #2:  "Bossy" women rule the world, so get used to it.  Real women take care of their families and take care of business. They are mechanics, teachers, store owners, and dietitians.  They put out fires all day then go home and celebrate the holidays as they prefer.  There is no time to readjust even the hottest hero's bad Christmas attitude.  

A Christmas Inheritance (2018)

UNREALISTIC EXPECTATION #3: Only a white, straight woman with ringlets can have holiday romance.  When did we stop having different hairstyles?  A classic Hallmark heroine has romantic ringlets dangling over an unzipped jacket atop skinny legs ending in stiletto boots.  As she toddles around the snowy streets wondering if she will ever find "the One", she slams into Mr. Wrong, fends off Mr. Heck-No, and frustrates everyone until she realizes Mr. Just Friends has been Mr. Perfect all along.      

REALITY CHECK #3:  In the real world, a holiday Hallmark heroine would slip on the ice in her high heels and freeze to death in her spring jacket.  Her ringlets would crack with ice until some pitying northerner drove her to the hospital where she would spend Christmas recovering from frostbite.  There, she may encounter Miss Just Right, R.N. with whom she falls in love and who inspires her to get an original hairstyle.

CAVEAT: Netflix has varied its holiday heroes and plots.  We have much work to do, but start with The Holiday Calendar.  It's cute. 

The Holiday Calendar (2018)
about two photographers and long-time friends who fall in love

UNREALISTIC EXPECTATION #4: Magic is literally in the air. There's either enchanted mistletoe, a wishing tree, or an old guy who appears everywhere and knows too much.  In other words, you'd better believe, or Christmas is going to get you.  

REALITY CHECK #4:  We make the magic.  If we send holiday cards out, we may receive some.  If we feed the hungry, we may be fed one day when we are in need.  If we ask that cute guy on a date, he may say "yes", and the magic we dreamt of becomes a reality.  

"These Hanukkah Movies Will Keep you Busy For All 8 Nights" by elitedaily.com

UNREALISTIC EXPECTATION #5: Only Christmas is magical. It's Christmas that transforms hearts, unites families, and reminds us that we are one.  Well, some of us are.  There are those other people who look and think differently than us that we won't talk about: they ruin the aesthetic.  

REALITY CHECK #5:  As a Christian, I adore Christmas and celebrate it with religious and secular cheer, but it's only a day.  We also have Hanukkah and Kwanzaa to celebrate this December!  And these celebrations should inspire great holiday films.  For example, Hanukkah is eight days of light, presents, and latkes.  I can see it now.  Jaded, frivolous interior designer from L.A. returns home to Metro Detroit for Hanukkah and a family party with her parents' friends.  On the first night of the season, she drops the menorah onto the lap of the cute guy she hated in high school who runs an orphanage in the city.  At first, they hate each other because he needs a skin graft from the burns, but his family talks to her family, and over seven days they plot to bring the two together.  On the last night of Hanukkah, all is forgiven, and they light the last candle together deciding she will open her own interior design store in Detroit and collect donations for the orphans.  And they live happily ever after. Chag Sameach!

"How to Pick a Great Wine for Your Holiday Dinner" by parade.com

Whatever you celebrate this year, save yourself from holiday hell by remembering that you are enough already.  While the fluffy films and holiday hooplah are temporary, the relationships we build during this season are lasting treasures. This is our time to spend with loved ones and share our blessings with others.  We should eat latkes and sing Christmas carols and dance at Kwanzaa celebrations.  Let's throw holiday parties so wild and wonderful that they become tradition.  As long as hope remains, holiday heaven is possible.  And if we stay at it long enough, Hallmark may decide to hire more than one writer and finally write about the real holiday magic we have been enjoying for years.

Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Happy Kwanzaa, and Season's Greetings to you all!

Cheers,
The Super Spinster